A TagAlongTravel reader named Cynthia emailed a question to me that she wanted to pose to other readers of the blog. Although her situation has similarities to others in the Tag Along community, it differs in significant ways. For one thing, she and her partner are separated by travel, but not for work reasons.
“He just WANTS to Travel”
Cynthia Explains Her Situation:
I am a single mom of three older teenage boys who live with me and who have some mental health special needs. I have a fiancé who is a self-employed, older man who loves to travel. He’s not a soldier; his travel isn’t work-related. He just WANTS to travel. He can work remotely via the Internet, so he takes three to four trips per year ranging from two weeks to three months. He wants to travel as much as he can now while he is healthy and able.
My fiancé would love me to travel with him, and we have gone on a few wonderful trips together. However, I travel a little for work, and so I feel stressed about taking vacations apart from the kids because it’s already a disruption to them when I’m gone for work. Plus, I only get ten days of vacation, which pales compared to how much time away my fiancé takes.
Although we stay in touch when he’s away via texting and Skype, sometimes this backfires. He tells me of these fantastic adventures and sends me photos of exotic places. Meanwhile, I’m doing laundry, cooking meals, and washing dishes. I end up feeling left out, resentful, boring, and irrelevant.
I know he is faithful and wants to be with me, but it feels like not enough to wait for me to be able to join him. I didn’t get into a relationship to be alone half the time. I hope that once my boys are older, it will be easier to leave them for longer periods, but right now my fiancé and I are in two difference spaces. I would be very interested in hearing any feedback your other readers may have about my situation.
Thoughts From Other Travellers
Melissa Gaskill – Freelance Writer and Author
My kids are all grown and in their 20s now, but when they were little and teenagers I travelled with them. That delivers many benefits—you get to know them better, make great memories, teach them about the world, etc. plus I have plenty of time to travel on my own now. Time really does go by fast.
I think when partners travel separately that gives them much fodder for rich discussions with each other about their respective trips, sharing photos and memories. It also gives them great information for choosing a place to go together.
Sharon Beattie – Business Consultant and Tag-Along Traveller
This is a really tough situation. When I started tagging along on business travel with my partner, he had younger kids, and it was difficult. He and his former wife have a supportive relationship when it comes to the children, so even though there was some wrangling, finding care for the kids was never impossible. It’s so much easier now that Jeff’s sons are in post-secondary school. The reality is that with young kids, you can’t get away for long periods of time—especially if they need extra support. Cynthia would need a really strong support network in order to do it, but then there is also the constraint of limited paid vacation time. The fact that her partner is travelling for pleasure makes it extra hard. It would be hard not to feel somewhat jealous and resentful.
Tag Along Deb
Even though the circumstances of separation from our significant others are different, I sure can identify with your feelings when communicating with your fiancé while he’s travelling. Usually, nothing going on at home is as exciting as travelling somewhere new. My only consolation is that I know that Steve would enjoy his time away more if I were with him. I suspect that is what is behind your fiancé’s “oversharing” stories of his adventures. He wishes you were there with him sharing the experience.
Relationships always involve compromise — I’ve certainly learned that over my 23 years of marriage. You are both in slightly different life stages, and this travel thing is going to be one area of concession for now.
You can’t change the circumstances of having children who are dependent on you. Melissa’s suggestion of travelling with the kids is great if you can swing it. Concerning a trip including just the two of you, Sharon’s comment about your support network is key. Is your children’s father involved? Could he provide a bit of respite? What about other family members or friends?
Sometimes, when I can’t get away for the two weeks Steve is going to be gone, I’ll join him for a few days and then come back home on my own. A compromise I’ve learned to make is becoming a more independent traveller. It turns out, I like it, but I never thought I would. What about your fiancé building one of his trips around one of your work trips? He could be the tag-along traveller. It may not be to one of the exotic destinations he’s been travelling to, but as I’ve pointed out many times on this blog, under-the-radar cities often have a lot to offer once you do some research.
The cornerstone of every healthy relationship is good communication. Does your fiancé understand your feelings about this whole travel thing? Are you able to talk to him about it or has it become a real sore point? Maybe the two of you need to sit down and come up with some realistic ways to compromise and make things work. Experiment. Your initial solutions might not be perfect, but you can adjust. On the other hand, perhaps this is a deal-breaker. If you can’t reach a compromise and you have other goals, maybe this isn’t the right relationship.
Over to you TagAlongTravel readers, what advice can you offer to Cynthia?
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