Did your spouse just get a job offer that will require a lot of business travel? Maybe you’ve met the man/woman of your dreams who’s already a road warrior. You might be asking yourself, “Is this going to work?” The answer to that depends on several aspects of your relationship. Based on living this lifestyle for the past 13+ years, these are the characteristics I think the partner of a frequent traveller needs to embrace the new job or relationship with confidence.

Happy spouses of business travellers share these 5 characteristics

An attachment style compatible with your partner’s

Getting a bit nerdy here (blame it on my social science background), but your attachment style and how that plays out in your relationship will influence how well you handle frequent separations. Your attachment style develops early in childhood, but you can make changes to it with awareness and effort.

According to attachment theory,  there are three broad attachment styles that play out in adult relationships:

Secure – Generally comfortable with intimacy. The securely attached give and receive comfort from their partner easily. They view relationships as open and equal and feel independent but loving towards their partner.

Anxious – Have a strong craving for intimacy and think a lot about their relationships. Often withdraw from conflict and feel jealous easily. The anxiously attached look to their partner to complete them and feel threatened when their partner acts independently.

Avoidant – These are folks who present as ultra-independent. They tend to avoid intimacy and feel threatened when a relationship gets too intense. They try to keep relationships minimally close.

For complex reasons, those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are often attracted to each other. Problems ensue. Throw in frequent business travel separation, and things are going to get very difficult. Business travel is most manageable for two securely attached adults. However, if one of you is anxious and the other secure, things can still work out if the attached partner knows how to reduce your anxiety.

If you want to explore your attachment style and geek out on all the details, I recommend the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

A dependable circle of friends and family

When your spouse or significant other is away on business for a week or two, having friends and family to support you and spend time with helps a lot. You need friends who understand that when your spouse returns from a trip, you may need some time to reconnect with him/her exclusively. At the same time, when your spouse is out of town, you know you can reach out to go to a movie or dinner.

Having family that understands your lifestyle and supports you is also important. A well-meaning parent or sibling who keeps asking you if you get tired of being apart from your spouse or asks when your spouse is going to get a job that doesn’t involve travel will wear on you pretty quickly.

The confidence to tag along occasionally as a semi-solo traveller

As regular readers know, I join Steve on business travel as often as I can. If you can swing it, tagging along once and again makes the times you’re apart easier for a number of reasons.

Tagging along on business isn’t like taking a vacation, though, even if you’re not working remotely as I often do. Your spouse will be working. He or she will possibly have client meetings or dinners to attend. You will likely be on your own for a couple of days or more. To make tagging along worthwhile and enjoyable, you need to embrace it from the perspective of a solo traveller. That means getting comfortable seeing the sights and dining out alone.

The good thing about this characteristic is that the path to developing it if it doesn’t come naturally is straightforward. The more you do it, the easier it gets. 

An understanding of the fact that relationships take effort and care to flourish

If you think “true love” means everything in your relationship always goes smoothly and that your partner will intuitively know how to make you happy, that’s a fantasy you need to drop fast.

All successful relationships require care and attention. When you have a spouse who frequently travels for work, you are both going to have to be hyper alert to how your relationship is doing. It’s easy to put insecurities, resentments, and difficult discussions aside when you’re communicating over time zones via texting or Skype.

Make time to check in with each other about how things are going in the relationship even if you have to do so remotely. Plan something special the first day or two after a return home from a business trip to reconnect and celebrate. Don’t take your relationship for granted when things are going well.

 A glass-half-full outlook

When your relationship includes frequent business travel there are going to be hardships and disappointments:

• Your spouse is going to miss special occasions, which you’re going to have to either skip or attend solo.
• You’re going to feel out-of-sync when you’ve been separated for periods of time.
• There will be days you feel lonely or overwhelmed (especially if you have kids to look after).

On the other hand, you will benefit from several perks:

• Opportunities to travel more with less expense.
• Travelling to places you may not have planned, but which turn out to be fantastic.
• The opportunity to build stronger relationships with family and friends.

If you’re able to focus on the positive aspects of a business travel lifestyle, you’re going to fare much better.

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