Randall was a frequent business traveller in 2015 when Sommer Shoemaker met him, on a flight, naturally. For the first three years of their relationship, Sommer tagged along often. At first, she found it exhilarating. Travelling the globe during the early flush of love was glamorous and romantic. But after a few years, the air miles started becoming more of a drag than a delight. Last year, Randall decided to change to a job with less travel and the two are now settling into life as a stay-at-home couple. I checked in with Sommer, who is a TagAlongTravel reader, to see what life before after frequent business travel has been like for her.
A Classic Met-On-A-Plane Story
The day she met Randall, Sommer was flying home to Denver after visiting her sister in Phoenix. Randall wasn’t supposed to be on that plane. He bumped up his return flight to Denver because he had finished his work early. Scanning the cabin as she entered the plane, Sommer was faced with only a smattering of seats to choose from, and they were all middle seats. She asked to sit beside Randall because he was the closest to the front, which would make it quicker to deplane.
Usually, Randall inserts his noise-cancelling earbuds as soon as he sits down on a flight, but for some reason, he didn’t this time. It took 30 minutes after Sommer sat down for him to obey the voice in his head suggesting he “say something to her,” but once he did strike up a conversation, things really took off (so to speak). Upon landing, Randall asked her if he could give her his number and she accepted.
Sommer says she had a voice in her head too. “It was telling me to ignore that I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship and that this guy wasn’t my type.” She’s glad that she listened.
A Long-Distance Love Affair
After just seven weeks of dating, Sommer ended up moving to Phoenix. She worried that living in two different cities would impact their relationship, but with the amount of business travel Randall did, he assured her they could make it work. He booked as many long layovers in Phoenix as possible during that first year. In the end, he relocated to Phoenix so that they could build a home together.
Love Locks in Hamburg, Germany
Of course, when you’re with a frequent business traveller, the relationship is always over long-distance even if you live in the same city. As the western U.S. regional sales manager for a Swiss company, Randall travelled most weeks Monday to Friday. He averaged being home about 8-10 days per month.
The Adventures of Tagging Along – “My Pretty Woman Moment”
Despite having three busy teenaged kids, the first year they dated, Sommer tagged along with Randall about 1-2 times per month thanks to a very flexible co-parenting arrangement.
“I loved it all at first,” says Sommer. “I loved learning about different cultures and overcoming the challenges that come with that.” Using Google Translate to decipher menus, discovering that the music service Pandora doesn’t stream in Europe, and even blowing out the electrical service in a hotel room with her converter was all part of the adventure.
“My first tag-along trip was the most memorable,” states Sommer. “It was early in our relationship, and it was a trip to Half Moon Bay in northern California.” Randall’s business was at a convention at the stunning Ritz Carlton overlooking the breathtaking cliffs and beach below.
Half Moon Bay, Sonoma, California
“It was the first time I had ever had a seat in first class. Randall sent me to the spa at the hotel with no spending limit and then arranged for me to have my hair and make-up done for the cocktail reception that evening. There was Champagne delivered to the room, wine tastings, shopping—I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.”
In addition to that thrilling, romantic trip, Sommer notes that trips to Europe—particularly Estonia—were highlights of tagging along. She was smitten with the country’s stunning architecture, tasty cuisine, and genuinely nice local people.
The Pros and Cons of Living with a Frequent Business Traveller
When asked about the whole package that comes with tagging along—the time apart both during travel and at home—Sommer replied that she enjoyed those aspects too. “I liked having the autonomy that allowed me to have one-on-one time with my kids, meet up with girlfriends for happy hour, and catch up on shows I like to watch that Randall wasn’t keen on.” She contends that having to fend for herself a lot on the road with Randall was a tremendous confidence booster. She came to enjoy sightseeing and activities on her own and dining solo when Randall was tied up with work. “I realized that I am much more capable than I give myself credit for!”
Grove of the Patriarchs at Mount Rainier Park, Washington
There were downsides too, of course, like having to share Randall with work colleagues on business travel and being the “perky partner” at dinners and receptions even when she wasn’t feeling perky. When Sommer stayed behind, bedtime presented the biggest challenge. “There are a lot of distractions during the day from work to kids, cleaning house, running errands,” she says. “But, when the sun sets, the kids are asleep, and I walked into that dark empty bedroom, that’s when the loneliness would set in.”
The couple built a house in Arizona while Randall was on the road much of the time. Dealing with e-signing documents and trying to do inspections via FaceTime was a huge challenge. “I ended up making a lot of decisions on my own and just hoped for the best,” she recalls.
The Chronic Low-Level Stress of Frequent Business Travel
As the pages of this blog have chronicled many times, the low-level stresses of life with a business traveller can start to build over time. Sommer and Randall experienced them all when he was on the road: weak hotel Wi-Fi signals that made FaceTime calls frustrating, family dramas, emergency home repairs, the extermination of rodents or other pests, the list goes on. There truly is some law of the universe that has these things happen with more frequency when the business-travelling partner is away.
Somewhere along the way, the option of tagging along became more of a grind. “I just desperately wanted to be home long enough to throw on some sweats and binge on Netflix,” states Sommer. “I wanted to reach into my closet to get dressed in the morning rather than rummage through a suitcase.” Most of all, Sommer and Randall wanted more time together.
The Big Switch: Life After Frequent Business Travel
Late last year, Randall decided to move to a job that involved less travel. Now, instead of getting home on a Friday and spending the weekend prepping to jet off again on Monday, Randall is home. Weekends are now about home projects, spending time with family, and doing fun things.
A rainy day in Vienna.
Overall, Sommer says the transition has gone pretty smoothly. They both feel it was the right decision. I asked Sommer if there are things she missed about their former lifestyle. She says there definitely are:
“I miss missing him. It used to be all fireworks and excitement when Randall returned from a trip. We valued the time we had together more. Now you think, well, there’s always tomorrow. Of course, I also miss the travel perks – the hotel points, airline miles, airport club lounge—all the preferential treatment. We’re like everyone else now,” she adds with a laugh.
Sommer admits she was a little nervous about the change because their relationship had always involved frequent business travel. She says that thankfully, the switch has worked out. For now, they are both enjoying spending more time together, although, Sommer adds that she suspects Randall won’t be content in an office job for very long. “He doesn’t sit well,” she explains. “I have a feeling it won’t be long until he’s on the road again.”
How will she feel if that happens? “I would support his decision to travel again as there are a lot of benefits,” says Sommer. Now that I have a career that allows me to work from home and my laptop, I would try to incorporate more travel with him again as my schedule with the kids allows.”
Sommer’s Advice on Life with a Frequent Business Traveller
Although she believes that it’s possible to have a long-term relationship with a frequent business traveller, Sommer thinks success depends on the type of people involved. Below she shares her top three tips for making it work:
Travel with your spouse as often as possible: This helps you gain insight and perspective into how their daily life feels. Dining out and staying in hotels isn’t always as luxurious as it may seem from the outside looking in!
Try not to inundate your spouse with issues at home when they are away. It’s hard for the travelling spouse to resolve issues at home when they aren’t physically there and leaves them feeling stressed and helpless. Unless it’s an emergency, I wait until Randall is home to tell him about the giant spider I had to kill or the trip to the urgent care for a sick kiddo. I just handle it.
Keep the communication flowing. Connect over FaceTime and phone calls often. I also hide love notes and cards in Randall’s luggage or laptop for him to find unexpectedly. I have had chocolates delivered to his hotel, and he’s had flowers delivered to me at home. This keeps the romance and connection alive from a distance. I also keep a journal and sometimes read the entries to Randall on FaceTime about my day, feelings and experiences. I feel like this helped him stay connected to my feelings and my life while we were apart.
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